Hecklers Beware!

Most people don’t know that Tucson Arizona has a fun little comedy scene. Full of a bunch of local guys that love comedy as much as those that sit around the “Cellars” and the “Factories” on the coasts. We only have two consistant open mics, one at a comedy club that couldn’t care any less about growing the local comedians or helping to develop a good comedy crowd, giving about 30-35 guys 2 to 3 minutes every thursday. Call in at noon, or you don’t get your two minutes this week.

The second open mic is at a bar called “Mr.Heads” where you can always find the ten guys or so that just want stage time, anywhere they can get it in the desert. Mr.Heads puts us out on the patio, where the smokers gather, and it faces the Most popular “Bar Street” in Tucson, called 4th Ave.Between your shitty jokes, and half assed premise, and the street, is a wrought iron fence, like the ones you see at the end of a fancy driveway, with spikes on the top. Because this is the only thing that separates the comics and the people who want to watch the show, we often time get people standing outside the gate watching, or yelling as they walk to the next frat bar to show their bros how big their balls are! We have a great homeless guy named “Midnight” that comes every week, he sits outside the fence, we give him a stool and some water, and he laughs his ass off!

I tell you all that, to paint the picture of the first show of February we were doing at Mr.Heads, as perusal I am brought on to play about 15 people and midnight, I have a new bit I am trying to jump into, when I hear a kid just start yelling “THIS GUY KNOWS ABOUT FACEBOOK!”. Its some transient looking kids, about five of them, and their assorted dogs. I do what any comic I think at this point would do, I start to antagonize and pick them apart, I want them to feel as shitty as they have made my set feel, of course there is some back and forth and it comes to the conclusion that most hecklers come to, I can’t beat this guy with my words, I am going to beat him with my fists. So the biggest of the Five Fuck Tards from Frown Town, tries to get in the bar. Like the Smart man that he is, the Bouncer said no, so the kid comes back to the fence and decides that he is going to climb it and come after me! As I am watching this happen I am of course telling him how fat he is and how he couldn’t make it with a ladder. The bouncer decides the kid is going to hurt himself on the fence and he needs to get him down, so he grabs hold of the kids legs, and starts to lift him straight up, the “Fat Aladdin” Just kinda flops him self forward to try and not get pulled away from the fence, what he doesn’t expect at this time, is for the bouncer to be bringing him down at the same time. The spike on the top of the fence catches the inside of his bicep, and pierces through the skin, every one basically says “OH FUCK” right at the same time, and the bouncer not knowing better lets going to see whats happening. Now the spike slides along the bone into the forearm and the kid is just hanging there by his skin with a spike in his arm, Not yelling, not moaning, not ever in pain from the looks of it…Just shock, and Weed… at this point the Bouncer realizes what happened and full on adrenaline rush lifts this kid straight up and brings him off the spike back to the ground…they tourniquet his arm, stop the bleeding and hold pressure, all While I am concerned that no one wants to hear the idea for memory cards that I have! So this is a true story…with very real pictures, to send out to the Hecklers of the world…Karma will fuck you! sometimes in the ARM.

-Graham VanBach

P.S. We were asked very kindly by the bar not to take pictures of the kid…or the fence…so these are scavenged from the comics who don’t respect authority.

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